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 The Equaliser

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the deeb
Auld Slapper
Auld Slapper

Managing : to get in the way

Posts : 903
Career Goals : 15886
Location : my front room

PostThe Equaliser

Meet Noah Lahm.

He’s a hired gun. Chairmen employ him to sort out the mess. No challenge is too tough, no situation too hopeless.

He takes no prisoners. He don’t stand for no nonsense.

Fancydans, you better make sure your dans are very fancy, as anyone not pulling their weight will be dealt with.

He has ways of dealing with shirkers.

He ain’t got time for contract renewals. He don’t give a damn about what the press think. He’s only interested in results.

He signs for the highest bidder. He flies in, sorts out the mess, then flies back out again. Looking for the next unwinnable challenge.

He thrives on pressure. He lives for relegation battles. Play-off pushes are his bag.

Wherever there’s a relegation battle – he’ll bring survival.
Where there’s a promotion push – he’ll bring success.
Any club that has never won anything – he’ll deliver the goods.

He is available to every major league, but the task better be tough. He’s not interested in big money jobs, loads of transfer funds. He wants it tough,almost beyond hope. But he’s not interested in working for a whole season. He ain’t interested in careers.

Oh no. This man just lives for the moment.

Noah Lahm is
The Equaliser

Watchout. He’ll be coming to a club near you

2012 European Championship Winners
2012 Olympic Games Gold Medallists

Last edited by the deeb on 2010-09-08, 22:39; edited 1 time in total
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The Equaliser :: Comments

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 22:26 by Posh
Hope his assistant is The

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 22:30 by Jelly
A fantastic start here mate really nice work and hope to see more Smile

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 22:31 by the deeb
Ere, thats given me an idea for another story.  Arthur Daley, little dodgy maybe, but underneath.....he's alright
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 23:22 by the deeb

1stof March, and I’m bored. My god I could do with some sunshine.

Shooting pheasants and rabbits is all very well, but I could do with some real action.

Within seconds I receive a message. The Boss wants to see me.

I hope it’s an assignment. I could really do with ripping into some jumped up little footballers, who think they’re the bees-knees.

Hello,Miss Funnee-Phanny


Got something for me?

Ooh, Noah. That’s very sweet of you, but I’ve had one thanks. F.U. wants to see you

In his office?

That’s it. Go through, he’s expecting you

Beautiful morning, F.U.

Enough of the niceities, Lahm. You’ve got an assignment. Sit down, shut up and listen.

We’ve had a call from a Mr Claudio Lotito. He’s chairman of Lazio. Ever heard of Lazio, Lahm?

Er,yeah, Gazza went there.

Well, yes, although that was some time ago. Lazio has been considered a big club in Italy, but this season things have been distinctly small-time. They’ve spent 18 years in the top flight, and they’re prepared to do anything to make sure they stay there.




They’re in a relegation battle. Deep in the brown stuff, Lahm. They need help. You have their permission to do whatever it takes to turn it round.

So what’s the brief?

Well, Lazio are 19th out of 20, and there’s only 12 games left in Serie A. They’re 4 points from safety. Only won 3 games all season and only scored 26 goals.

Jeez. How many go down?


Ah. So it’s squeaky-bum time.

Don’t be vulgar, Lahm. Just get yourself out there and get this done. They’re in trouble, Lahm, and you need to go and sort it out.

Get in there, get them out of this mess. Then you need to get out fast, before it all kicks-off in the new season.



You might need him.

Ok. When do I start?

Miss Funnee-Phanny has the flight tickets and there’s a car waiting for you outside. You’ve got 3 months, Lahm. Don’t mess it up.

And with that, I was out of there and on my way to Rome

Last edited by the deeb on 2010-09-09, 08:36; edited 3 times in total
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 23:38 by Pringers
Smile Excellent stuff, mate. Keep it up! Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-08, 23:54 by Jelly
Ah man these are awesome updates man really cracking stuff!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-10, 21:18 by the deeb

On the old Lady Jane out of ‘eathrow, I decide to take a gander at this old Lazio.
Blimey, they’re in a mess, ain’t they?  Flippin pillocks, ‘ow the ‘ell did they managed that?
Still, could be worse, Parma could’ve wanted me.  Haha.
Anyway, let’s ‘ave a look at the sort of players they’ve got.  Gordon Bennett guvnor, I’ve hardly heard of half of these.  No wonder they’re struggling. 
Ere, I fort these geezers would all be Marios or Paolos, but I ain’t ever gonna be able to pronounce some of these.
Still, I’ll soon sort ‘em aht.  I’m a geezer, in-i?  Might need to steam into ‘em to begin wiv, then we’ll see ‘oos serious.
Odd-Job’s good at that.  Luvly fella.  ‘Andy wiv a meat cleaver, an’ all.
Nah then, who’ve we got left to play?

Siena up next.  Well, we needa beat them, dant we?
Juventus,away after that.  Sod that, they’re 12pts clear at the top.
Ooh,we ‘ave got Parma to play.  At their place.  Luvly-jubbly. 
This is wot get’s the old ticker pumpin, dunnit?
Think I’ll ‘ave a bit-a kip and we’ll be ready to take these iti’s on.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-10, 22:05 by Berry
This is great so far mate, a pleasure to read.

I love how you've mentioned Odd-Job, he's class with his deadly hat Laughing

Good luck with Lazio mate, I'm sure you'll turn their season round and give the fans a new sense of belief and hope Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-10, 22:06 by Pringers
Another excellent update, mate. Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 13:42 by Jelly
Quality update once more mate Smile Really good work, KIU Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 21:14 by the deeb

Ere we are, then.  Sunny Rome.  Stone the crows, it’s a bit cold ‘ere, ain’t it?
Anyway, first training session and I soon realise these boys ain’t been doin’ nuffink.
Odd-job’s a bit of fan of tugs training, so he sorts that aht, and you shoulda seen their faces.  They weren’t ‘appy, I can tell yer.
Don’t bovver me, tho.  I’m ‘ere to do a job, an’ do it I will.  No messin’
We‘ave Siena at home tomorrow.  Need to look at the sorta team I’ll sendaht. 
They’ve given me some Mario as a translater.  Not sure whevver I trust ‘im yet.  But I need ‘im to ‘elp wiv choosin’ the team.
I soon realise there are hundreds of the little bleeders ‘ere.  ‘Ow can you be in so much trouble and ‘ave such a big squad?
JulioCruz, a striker, wears number 74!  What’s that all abaht?
And what’s all this wiv physios.  Talk abaht pampered poofters!  What d’ya need 6 physios for?  6 physios and just 1 coach.  Bleedin norah, some numpty’s been ‘ere’before me.
Still, I don’t ‘ave to balance the books, I just gotta keep ‘em up.
Next day, I ‘ave to meet the press.  God, these guys are just the same as at home. Bunch’a numpties!
Some muppet asks if this is my dream job! Don’t he know who I am?  This is just the situation I love, but it don’t mean I dream to be here.
Then another knob asks if I think Lazio are underachieving.  Underachieving?  Course they’re underachieving, you tit, I wouldn’t be here otherwise!
Bleedin’‘ell.  Odd-job’ll ‘ave to speak to these guys in future.  Can’t be doin wiv that.
Managed to get a couple of coaches.  Patrick Kluivert’s not doing nuffink, so he can come and sort these geezers aht.  I get anuvver bod called Carminati accepts an offer too.
This place is unbelievable.  2 keeping coaches, 2 fitness coaches, 2 yoof coaches and 6 fitness coaches!  Then just 1 scout!!  You can’t run a club like that.  Madness.
Someone needs to come and sort all this aht, but that’s for someone else next season.  Then I hear we’ve got 26 players on loan.  I’d love to get rid of a lot of dead wood, but that ain’t me job.
Need to think ‘ow we do Siena in a couple of days.  They’re 3 places above us, so awin is big for us.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 21:32 by Jelly
Another epic update mate really fabulous work!

KIU and GL against Siena Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 21:39 by Pringers
Amazing update, Deeb.

I'm really enjoying this story, keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 21:45 by the deeb

They’re drivin’ me rand in sum chauffeur-driven car. They’ve got money to burn these boys. They almost deserve to go dahn. Then let’s see ‘ow they get on.
Anyway, matchday’s here at last.  This is what I live for.
Nah let’s see oos got the bottle.
The Siena manager’s been tryin to wind me up.  Who’s he kiddin’?  He wants to be careful.  I know some tasty geezers and they’d sort him aht.  No messin.
I decide on a 4-1-2-1-2 formation  Pandev can play behind the front 2.  Missing a couple of definite starters, and feel a bit nervy abaht the defence.  Need to go at ‘em first up.
Makes you larf, dunnit?  6 flippin physios and I’ve still got good players out and missin’ an important game like this.
I give them a decent talkin’ to before I send them aht.  This is tuff wiv this interpreter.  Never sure he’s repeated what I’ve said.  If they larf in the wrong place, I’ll know.
3 minutes in, a cross from the left-back and Cruz get’s up to head us in front.  1-0.
Crowd goes mad.  I’m a hero.  Still, let’s see if they’re still like that if we don’t win.
1-0 in at half-time.  I decide to encourage them.  I’m dying to get into them at some point, but we need a win here.
15 mins into the 2nd half and Cruz is injured.  Physio says he’s gotta come off and so I bring on Inzaghi.
Can’t believe what’s happened here.  Inzaghi’s only played twice all season.
2 minutes in and Inzaghi scores.  Who’s the daddy??
Couldn’t believe when I saw he woz in the reserves. We should be ok nah.
Then Zarate makes it 3-0 and we’re ‘ome and ‘osed.
Easy this management lark!  Fink I’ll get brahms & liszt tonight.  Er, best not, don’t trust these locals.
Walkin rand Rome the other day, some bloke pinched me bum.  He dint look ginger neither.
I take the applause as we go off.  There’s still some work to do.  Atalanta have lost and so ‘ave Cagliari.  Things are lookin’ good.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-11, 22:58 by Jelly
Really good update mate and done well with the win and league rise.

Looking eagerly forwards to more as ever Smile

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-13, 21:42 by the deeb

I spend the day ‘avin a good look at this organisation.

Dear me, this is dreadful. The amant of players who are not proply fit, wiv all these flaming physios.

Would you adam & eve it? The reserve team don’t play no games? They don’t ‘ave no fixtures. Well I get on the blower and sort that aht, good an proper.

If I woz gonna stay here, I’d get rid of ‘arf the playin staff, an really streamline it.

This office they give me is quite plush. So much money abaht, and yet they’re staring at relegation. Mad!

As I sip my cappacino, one thing starts to bovver me. I’ve noticed this car. I’ve noticed it a few times. A couple of times it’s been behind us on the motorway. It was at the grand yesterday. Mind you there’s sum odd lookin geezers abaht. At the press conference, there woz a couple-a heavies at the back.

Praps I worryin baht nuffink.

Still, too much to do ‘ere. Need to find a way to beat Juventus. I sent odd-job off to watch them at Udinese. They drew 0-0. Could be a chance we can get summink.

Matchday. We’re in Turin to meet Juventus. They’re runnin’ away with the title ‘ere. Just ‘ope they ain’t bovvered abaht points today. We could do wiv one, and then our better goal difference takes us aht of bottom 3.

Cruz is still injured, so Inzaghi starts. Ledesma is also fit and so I decide to put ‘im in at DM.

When they come back into the dressin’ room, we’re 0-3 dahn! I’m afraid I ripped into ‘em a bit. Don’t fink they understand wot this is all abaht. They never really looked like they fort they could do it. That’s what hacked me off.

Made a couple of changes, but we end up losing 0-5. Really not happy and I tell ‘em so. Just hope the translater made them realise.

Not the end of the world as I’d budgeted for losing this, but I won’t tell them that.

Just before the post-match press conference, I get told that 3 players are now banned for picking up too many yellow cards. That ain’t improved me mood.

Some press knob asks if I thought Del Piero was any good. I said I don’t build up opposition players. I’m not happy with this whole situation. But I guess that’s the nature of the game we’re playin’ here.

I need a drink

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-13, 21:59 by Pringers
Another brilliant update, Deeb. Shame about the result, though! Keep up the good work! Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-13, 22:14 by Jelly
Tell ya what mate if ya results were as good as this story then you'd win the league unbeaten. Unlucky against Juve but I'm sure you can save them!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-14, 21:15 by the deeb
Sunday, I have the day off. Watch the football on tv. Nice drum they’ve put me in.

Atalanta beat Palermo. Not good news. Bleedin footballers make yer sick, don’t they? Manager loses his job and then the team win a game. Why couldn’t they ‘ave done that earlier, then he might ‘ave a job.

That result means we’re 2nd from bottom, although 2 points from safety. Roma and Genoa up next. Not sure what we’ll get from those. But it’s the games against Parma and Chievo that we need to win.

Rome derby today. Boy I love these games. Great opportunity to get one over a hated team. Some people don’t like the pressure but I live for it.

I tell the press we’ve got no chance. But I tell the players that they’ve got nothing to lose and need to do it for the fans. I hope they understand the mind games, not sure ‘ow switched on these geezers are.

Need to make 3 changes as Siviglia, Matuzalem and Zarate are all banned. Matuzalem takes all the set-pieces, so we’re a little short there.

I’ve taken some stick in the press for not playing Firmani or Radu, so they come in. Cala looked good in a recent reserve match so he’s on the bench. Ledesma’s the key player here. Cruz is back fit again. Need goals from him.

Goalless first half and it looks like Inzaghi’s not gonna make it to half-time, so I reluctantly bring on N’Kufo. Don’t like making changes before ‘arf-time but there ya go.

2 minutes after the re-start and N’Kufo nearly scores. Stone me, he’s nearly dunner Inzaghi. Keeper saves but Brocchi puts away the reband. We’re 1-0 up. Come on!!

We end up winning and that’ll do nicely. 1-0 in the Rome derby. Roma had a man sent-off towards the end, but we woz better than them anyway.

Atalanta draw and Cagliari lose, so we’re aht of the bottom 3. Genoa up next, they’re 2nd.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-14, 21:38 by Jelly
Fantastic win against Roma there bud really helped boost team morales most probably Smile

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-14, 21:50 by the deeb
This week we’re getting ready for the game against Genoa. Backroom staff are concerned abaht lack of ‘armony. I make some joke abaht hairspray, but I don’t reckon they cottoned onto it.

They’ve got some front, these boys. They’re telling me some players ain’t ‘appy they ain’t playin’. Well, if they ain’t performed like girls for the season, then they’d still ‘ave the old manager, and he might play ‘em. As it is, they played like right merchants, so they’ll ‘ave to spend their time knittin’ or summink.

Bleedin’ cheek!

Tomas Berni requests a transfer. I don’t blame yer mate, I’m outta here once I’ve completed me mission. Dint tell ‘im that tho. Just told him that if he weren’t prepared to stay and fight it aht, then he should shove off. Not sure the Italian’s ‘ave a word for ‘sling yer ‘ook’, so I just told him

Matchday against Genoa. They played in Europe during the week, so we could work ‘em ‘ard and get them tired.

Zarate and Matuzalem are back. I’m tempted to put Inzaghi back in with Cruz, but decide on Zarate instead.

Within 60 seconds Zarate puts us 1-0 up. What a start!!!

10 minutes later, the bleeder’s injured, and has to come off. 22 minutes in and Bizzari, our keeper, saves a penalty.

We’re 1-0 up at half-time. I wasn’t gambling on this, but if we can pull this off that’ll be handsome.

Second ‘arf is tense. I don’t show it as I’m a geezer, but we hang on in the end.

Cagliari beat Atalanta but this is going well at the moment.

We’re 2 points clear of safety with 8 games to go. We’ve got Parma next. That should be a piece-a-cake, as they’re in the tom-tit at the moment. Then two ‘ome games.

I’m feeling a bit cocky at the mo’, but then I am Noah Lahm so what d’ya expect? Haha!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-14, 22:05 by Pringers
Two excellent updates, and fantastic results. Looks like you're going to turn it around, Deeb. Excellent stuff, mate. Well done. Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-15, 01:49 by Posh
Brilliant updates mate Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-15, 15:53 by Jelly
Another great win and update mate really wd!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-15, 22:14 by the deeb
This week has been good. I’ve been walkin’ rand wiv a skip in me step.

I am Lord Flashart. I pack the sorta tackle you’d normally find danglin’ between the hind legs of a Grand National winner.

I'm a geezer.

Anyway, nuffer this. We’ve got a game to win in Parma. Ain’t that the place where they make that poncey ham? Yuk, gimme a good honkin bit a sirloin anyday.

This should be a doddle. They’re laggin’ behind and almost dahn. This could do our goal difference some good.

I play it cool in the dressing room, tell ‘em to give it some ‘umpty. Not sure they follow, but I don’t care. They’ll need shootin if they don’t win that. Reckon they understood that bit.

Half-time – no goals. I ain’t best pleased. Reckon they’re trying make a monkey of me. Wind ‘em up, and send ‘em aht again.

Even 1-0 will do.

As the half wears on, I start to feel the steam rising. Into the final 10 minutes and I’m beginning to pace up and dahn. Get a grip, Lahmmy boy. Don’t show the emotion. Remember who you are.

Final whistle goes and I cannot believe I’ve just watched us draw 0-0 wiv a side that’s only won twice all season. What the ‘ell’s gone on there.

Back in the changin’ room, I’m calm but seethin’. My eyes dare anyone to say summink, but they don’t. One of those knobhead physios walks in whistling. He soon turns on his toes when he sees me. He’s lucky to get away wiv his ‘ead intact.

But in the end, I keep it together. The wins over Roma and Genoa ‘ave given us some breavin’ space, but we can’t afford to chuck it away.

I’ve sussed aht that these players are scared. Well, if they’re so scared of failure, they ain’t never experienced a ‘Lahm-volley’. That’s what they’ll get if we don’t pull this off.

I never fail.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-15, 22:58 by Pringers
Top reading, mate. This should be made into a novel Smile. Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-15, 23:14 by Niko
Very good read, cant wait for the next lot
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-16, 18:57 by Jelly
Unlucky with only getting a draw there mate but I hope you can get back to winning ways Smile

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-16, 22:10 by the deeb
A week later, we’re back at home. Fiorentina are visitin’ today. We gotta tricky matches ahead of us. Could get a bit moody rand ‘ere. We got Fiorentina, Milan and Napoli. They’re all in the top 4, an’ all.

One more fing that got on me wick after last weeks performance was that I’m dahn several players frew suspension.

Unbelievable! There we are trying to save our own skin, an’ some-a these dunderheads wanna sit aht some of the games.

I fine ‘em. They’re not ‘appy, but I tell ‘em, would they rather be fined or ‘ave their fingernails removed by Odd-Job?

Surprisingly, they ain’t too bovvered abaht the money. Funny that.

Need to work ‘ard ‘ere and I ain’t lookin’ forward to it.

We survive for 37 minutes and then Gilardino scores. Our ‘eads drop. I notice it and so does the crahd.

I get ‘em in at half-time, and tell ‘em we’re only a goal dahn. We can do this. Their eyes ain’t tellin’ me they believe me.

6 minutes into the 2nd ‘arf and we’re 0-2 dahn. This ain’t good, we’ve given up. This’ll get nasty.

‘Arf ‘our left and we’re 0-3 dahn. I don’t watch the last 10 minutes. I’m in the dressing room, pacing up and dahn. Final whistle goes and we lose.

Players saunter in. Yeah, they ‘ave their ‘eads dahn and that sad look in their eyes, but deep dahn they ain’t really bovvered. They expected this.

I lose it.

Nah I ain’t prahd of this, but it all kicked off. Tea-cups went one way, stray football boots went the other. I can hear Mike Bassett, Alex Ferguson and John Sitton in me ‘ead. I carry this on for over 30 minutes. I swear some players were close to tears.

The nub of it is that I don’t wanna see that kind of a performance again. They ain’t messin wiv my career. No way, Pedro.

I walk aht and leave the Assistant to pick up the pieces. We’re at ‘ome to Milan on Wednesday, and we can’t really afford a defeat.

On the way ‘ome I look at the results. Cagliari ‘ave won in Bologna, and we’re back in the bottom 3.

We go to Bologna, 3rd last game. Need to do ‘em over like Cagliari did. I reckon we can do Chievo in 2nd last game, but need summink from Milan, Napoli, Bari or Udinese.

Cagliari still ‘ave Chievo and Siena to play. They could win those.

Pressures on, Noah my lad.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-16, 22:50 by Pringers
Excellent update, mate. It's a big shame about the result, and the upcoming games against Milan, and Napoli. I hope you somehow manage to grab at least a point from each of those games. Good luck, and keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-17, 00:48 by Berry
Doing fine here deebster. Not been able to check your thread out but I knew that you'd keep it updated and of a high standard as always, just had a read through to catch up and you're doing great with the Lazio Very Happy Your stories are always good reading Wink

Unlucky against Fiorentina mate, all the best against Milan and you should be able to get a win against Bari. Good luck in all 4 of those games nonetheless.

Good luck, and keep it up!

Loving the way the Equaliser talks Razz Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-17, 16:17 by Jelly
Wow tight there mate really hope you can do it though!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-18, 11:05 by the deeb
Spend the next couple a days wasting my time wiv coaches. Two of ‘em ‘ave scarpered to other clubs. Bleedin’ liberty.

Try and sign some replacements, and they piddle abaht wiv the bleedin’ wages. Gordon Bennett, just bleedin’ sign, alright?

I spend some of the clubs money, I don’t care, me. I nick other clubs coaches. I try an’ get Gordon Cowans. He did alright when he was in Italy, so I reckon he’d do well wiv the kids.

My mood ain’t good, neither. I spoke to FU last night.

He’s explained that I ain’t getting’ paid after this. Apparently, there will be more assignments after this. I ‘ave to complete them all before I pick up me money.

I could murder someone.

Someone’s playin wiv me plonker and I ain’t ‘appy.

At the end of the day, I get told that Tomas Berni dint turn up for trainin’ today. I slap him wiv 2 weeks wages, no messin’ I ain’t fannying arand wiv people like that no more.

God, I need a drink. I open a bottle of Jack Daniels, put me feet up on the desk and start to remember when I was a player.

I’m still there when the caretaker opens up in the morning.

We’ve got a bit of a break before Milan come ‘ere. Chievo are at ‘ome to Fiorentina, an’ we need them to lose.

Another couple a players missin’ thru suspension. This is testin’ me squad. Good job, the previous numpty ‘ad loads-a players, ain’t it?

This afternoon, Odd-Job came to me drum and sat me dahn. He gave me a good talkin’ to. Well, in fact he gave me a slap. He’s good like that, is Odd-Job.

He said “you’re losin’ it, mate” he said. Sorry, I can’t do the accent.

“you can’t approach things like this”, he went on.

“you’ve gotta build these players up. They’re fragile. Don’t forget they’re not yours, are they? That’s not their fault. You just need to keep them up. That’s your job. You don’t need to worry what happens to these guys next season, do you?”

He was right, of course. Jesus, I fort I could ‘andle the pressure. Spose I’ll ‘ave to be nice to ‘em.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-18, 11:36 by Jelly
Another fantastic update there mate Smile

GL in the big games pal and KIU Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-18, 20:33 by Pringers
Great update again, mate. I'm eagerly the next chapter of The Equaliser.

Keep it up! Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-19, 00:21 by Berry
Yet another ace update mate, keep this up! Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-19, 15:11 by the deeb
Eve of the Milan game and I’m at the press conference. Jesus, this is a long one. My new found image means I’m ‘appy to answer any questions, an’ I get loads.

But I’m positive and also realistic that we’re underachievin’ and need to work ‘arder.

But these press geezers started askin loads-a questions. All abaht players who were unhappy and whevver we woz frowin’ in the towel, already. Cor blimey, it took all of me strength just to force a smile and be nice abaht it.

Dant these people get it? We ain’t in this mess cozza me, are we? I’m just the poor sod that’s gotta sort it aht, in-i?

Oi, careful Noah-lad. Don’t want people feelin sorry for ya, do we?

I ‘ave a meetin’ wiv the backroom staff and they come up wiv some good ideas. Odd-Job’s been to see Milan, gawd knows what he did there, but he has some good ideas abaht how to play ‘em.

Slow it dahn, keep it narrah, and play deep. Worth a try.

Ledesma’s nah got suspended. This is doin’ me ‘ead in. Ow my sposed to win anyfin’ wiv players banned. And for wot? Bleedin girls stuff, like pullin shirts or spittin’

Nah if these boys ‘ad put someone’s arm in boiling acid, well then maybe a little slap would be what you’d expect. But just cos yer pushed some nancy-boy geezer, ain’t the end of the world is it?

So we’re set up like we said. Boys is ‘appy wiv the plan, an’ all. Get aht on the pitch and wivin a few minutes we’ve gorn a goal dahn, ain’t we?

Flamin norah!

But as the ‘arf progresses, we’re makin them work and overall, I ain’t too downhearted, am I?

0-1 dahn at ‘arf-time and the new Noah starts getting into ‘em. But in a nice way. Well, we’re buildin’ them up, int we. Gettin into ‘em and you can see ‘em respond, and for the first time I’m finkin’, “there’s summink in these guys”.

We send ‘em aht and they stick to the plan, gawd bless ‘em.

We end losin’ 0-1, but, to be fair, they give it some, dint they? I ain’t too dahn abaht it. At least they tried. I mean, Milan ‘ave got almost double the points we got, yet we give ‘em a good work aht.

I’m a bit concerned abaht no goals for three games. ‘Ave to ‘ave a word wiv the coaches and work on that. We go to Napoli next, and they’re in 4th.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-19, 18:17 by Pringers
Another excellent update, keep it up mate!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-22, 08:22 by the deeb

I ought-a tell yer abaht meself, seein’ as you’ve got this far.

Well, I used to be a player. Oh yes, I woz a geezer on the field, and a bit ‘andy wiv the wimmin’ off it, an’ all.

Midfield general, that woz me. Cor I could ‘andle meself. Take no prisoners. Vinny Jones? Cor, Ninny Jones, more like. But I could do fings, ya see. Blimey, we ‘ad some larfs.

Won naff-all, but we enjoyed ourselves, dint we

Nah, that’s not true. We won a few trophies, but I never conformed, see. I would never suck up to no manager, unless I respected ‘im, so I never ended up at no fancy big name club.

I ‘ad to pack it in early, like. Knee injury. Dant worry, I got ‘im back. Swapped his football boots for concrete boots! Haha! I can be an evil, so-and-so, at times, me.

Still, it ‘elped once I give it up and went into this.

I’m a bit of a mercenary, see. I get assignments and I go in an’ sort aht the problems. It’s mainly relegation work, but we do get some promotional stuff.

Mainly it’s weak chairmen who say “oh please come and help us, we’re lost. We’re desperate. We’ve run out of ideas, boo-hoo!”

So they call a special number, that comes frew to me boss, F.U. Then I get-a call and bobs yer uncle. I go in there, sort it all aht and then, get aht sharpish, before it all kicks-off agen.

Not sure who he is or where he come from. But he pays me wages and I’m ‘appy. Pays good, an’ all. He dant like me talkin’ like this, so I comes over all posh when he’s abaht.

His assistant, Miss Funny-Phanny.

She’s a bit of alright. She likes ‘em a bit rough rand the edges, see.

But course, I’m all posh and behaved like when I’m in F.U.’s office, but when he ain’t there, I slip into a bit-a cockney chat, and she laps it up, I can tell yer.

As it stands at the moment. I was promised some dough for doin’ this job, and nah they’ve moved the old goalposts, naht-a-mean?

After dis, I’m off somewhere else to save some uvver poor sod, and then there’s probly some ovver job, an’ all, after dat. All that before I gets me dosh. F.U. sez it’ll be worth it. I may never need to work again, he says.

I’ve been studyin’ the old form, naht-a-mean. Lookin at the league table and it ain’t a pretty sight, I can tell yer.

32 – Cagliari
32 – Atalanta
31 – Siena
30 – Lazio
30 – Chievo
21 – Parma

Bottom 3 go dahn. Parma mus’ be gorn by nah. There’s only 5 games left, although Chievo ‘ave a game in ‘and. Aht-a that lot, only Cagliari ‘as a worse goal difference to us, an’ all.

We’ve got Napoli away next. They’re 4th. But then it’s Bari (10th), and Bologna (12th), where we cud get summink.

Last 2 matches are Chievo (17th) and Udinese (13th). Udinese are only 4 pts ahead of us, but ‘opefully they’ll be safe by the time we play ‘em and they won’t try too ‘ard.

Atalanta ‘ave got a tough run-in

Roma, Genoa, Milan, Parma and Fiorentina. The only game they could get summink from would be Parma.

Chievo worry me, tho. Bologna, Roma, Cagliari, Udinese, us, and Sampdoria.

Siena are up against Cagliari next. We need Cagliari to win that, really. After that, they’ve got Juventus, Roma, Genoa and Milan. Could lose all-a those.

This is a tuff one. Still, I like a good challenge. Better start getting ready for the trip to Naples.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-22, 10:54 by Pringers
Excellent mate! Close to the seasons end now, and Im certainly wishing you all the best! Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-22, 18:29 by Posh
Final few games there mate, looks a little dodgy.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-23, 08:15 by the deeb
Anuvver blessed press conference, but it’s all part-a the job, ain’t it? I got asked the same question, three times. Useless muppets, what do they know.

Important game this, although I don’t fink we’ve got much chance. Won’t admit this to anyone, but we could do wiv some results goin’ our way too.

Cagliari play Siena. Need Cagliari to win that. Chievo are in Bologna, and Atalanta take on Roma.

I reckon we’ll play wiv more width this time and also a faster tempo.

Ledesma is back, which gives us some protection. Napoli play 5 across the middle, so might need geezers who can lob it long.

Well, 5 minutes into the game and it’s deja-vu, all over again! Quagliarella scores from a corner, an’ we’re 0-1 dahn

Chievo are soon losin’ to Bologna, but no score in Cagliari.

‘Arf time and we’re 0-1 dahn. Similar to Milan, really. I tell a couple-a players I ‘ave faith in ‘em, but I expect us to ‘ave a go in the 2nd ‘arf.

A minute into the ‘arf and Atalanta are losin’. Good, good.

60 mins and Inzaghi’s struggling again. I send Pandev up front and put Del Nero in ‘the hole’. But 4 minutes later, and we’re 0-2 dahn. Quagliarella again. Great finish but if yer give ‘im so much space to shoot, what d’ya expect?

Then, I nearly choked on me gum as Quagliarella is so far offside, he’s nearly in Sicily. But where’s the bleedin flag? Well, let’s just give ‘im a fird goal, shall we? Flamin refs gonna get it. He must ‘ave money on that guy. He best not open his door to someone he don’t know. He wouldn’t want to come to a sticky end.

No score in Cagliari, but Chievo ‘ave equalised.

We end up losin’ badly. We woz never at the races, to be fair. Still fink we’re well in it, but we could-a done wiv not losin’ so badly.

N’Kufo’s gonna ‘ave to go. He ain’t got it at this level. Might need to fink abaht anuvver formation, but it’s wevver we got time.

Things are startin’ to ‘ot up.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-23, 13:11 by Pringers
Oh dear, it's really tight down there. Great update, yet again. Keep it up and good luck!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-23, 17:08 by Berry
Unlucky at Napoli mate, hope you can keep Lazio up.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-23, 19:10 by Jelly
Unlucky v Napoli mate though hopefully you can get the team firing again and stay safe!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-24, 08:22 by the deeb
We’re at the last 4 weeks of the season, nah. This is where it starts to get intrestin’. I love this. It sorts the men aht from the boys. ‘Ave yer got what it takes?

Come on, Lahmy-boy, roll yer sleeves up an’ get stuck in.

To be honest, I fort we’d lose those last 3 matches. Fiorentina, Milan and Napoli could all be playin’ Champions League next season, whereas this lot….

What’s ‘appened to this club? Even that big-foreheaded Swede won the title wiv ‘em. Nah, they’ve got a load-a poofters ‘ere who don’t look like they wanna fight.

Well, we’ll see abaht that.

Bari at up next. 2 home matches left and we gotta win those. I reckon 2 wins’ll do it. Bari are 10th, but no great shakes.

Need to concentrate on the right line-up and formation. Shall we go to 4-5-1? Or do we play 2 wide geezers. Just need to find aht who’s desperate. They can be heroes ‘ere.

Some bad news, Cruz and Inzaghi are injured nah. We ain’t scored for 4 games and two of our strikers are crocked. I ain’t flustered. Nuffin puts me off. We’re gonna get aht of this.

Fink I’ll spend a bit-a time lookin at the under-20’s. This could be the start of their careers, as they can make a name for themselves.

I make it known in the press that I’m un’appy wiv N’Kufo’s form. He responds by saying he finks he’s been poor!

I put ‘im in the reserves. Then he turns aht a triffic performance against Genoa reserves and looks like he’s got some back-bone. Maybe I underestimated ‘im. The key at this stage is to look for those geezers that wan’ it more.

Chievo ‘ave just drawn 2-2 wiv Roma. Mind you, they woz 2-0 up! They’re 2 pts ahead of us. They meet Cagliari next.

Matchday, and I’m at the grand early. Boy, am I ready for this. This is where it all starts. Nah they’ll see what you’re made of, Noah-boy.

I’ve fort abaht changin’ it a bit. Only got 1 fit striker, but decide to keep to the formation and bring on some reserves. Ledesma and Matuzalem will play as holding midfielders. N’Kufo’s played his way back into the team and will play. Played ‘im in 2 reserve games an’ he scored in both.

I’m strugglin’ for strikers so Barreto will come in for his first match and Makinwa is on the bench. He ain’t never played neither.

Bari are not on a bad run. They woz poor arand Jan and Feb, but nah they’ve lost 1 in 6. This won’t be easy but I’m confident.

A tight first half, but I’m ‘appy wiv the commitment and the fact that they’re keepin’ to the gameplan.

We’re hasslin’ ‘em, and I’m also going for a goal from anywhere, to get some advantage. Bari have more of the game, but its goalless at the break.

Chievo go a goal down against Cagliari. That’ll do.

Siena go 1 up against Juve, but now they’re losin’ too and they’re in trouble. Come on boys, just 1 goal.

Wind the guys up at ‘arf-time. Pandev’s been better so far. Gave ‘im a bit of a nudge at the start and he seems to be respondin’.

Cagliari are 2-0 up at Chievo, that’s great news. Siena are gettin’ stuffed by Juve.

15 minutes to go and I’m startin’ to think abaht whether I settle for the point. Keep it tight.

Foggia, on the right plays the ball into the area for Barreto, who turns and gets the ball onto his left foot and places the ball into the net. Get in you beauty!!!! 1-0.

Nah, we need to keep it tight. Come on, you’re Iti's, you should now ‘ow to waste time. Just hoof it. Drop deep, slow it dahn, keep it narrah.

N’Kufo and Barreto are knackered. Nah we’re on 4-4-1-1. Makinwa comes on.

3 minutes of time added on. I look cool, but to be honest, I’m cackin’ meself. I ain’t gonna admit it to no one.

Finally the whistle blows and I give a smile as if I knew we’d do it. That could just abaht save my bacon.

Chievo and Siena ‘ave lost and they’re in the bottom 3. We’re just 1 place aht-a the nightmare places. If we beat Chievo that should do it.

‘Appy days!

Bologna up next. If we can get summink from that then we may be ok but it could all hinge on the Chievo match.

In the press conference afterwards, I’m all ‘Billy-Big-Balls’, but I fink the translator’s ‘avin a problem wiv explainin’ what the ‘dogs danglies’ means, I dant care, do I?

I’ve sussed aht that the translator don’t exactly repeat what I say. One guys asks if I really thought we could stay up, I tell him his mother’s a whore. His nod and ‘thank you’ confirms the translator never told him exactly what I said.
Just as well, really, as I woz wiv her last weekend....and she is

Funny ‘ow a win can change everyfing.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-24, 11:20 by Pringers
Laughing another excellent update, mate. Keep it up!

Oh and, Gonzalo Baretto is a brilliant prospect!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-24, 18:58 by Posh
Too funny mate, translators can be fun Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-24, 19:41 by Jelly
LMAO mate this is incredible stuff xD Really fantastic work mate and youll deserve to stay up if you do (Y)

Re: The Equaliser
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The Equaliser

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